so cute !

Today I was the only one in class so I had one on one work out with the instructor. we had a group of teeny tiny kid spectators (all boys) . At the end of the sparring as I walkign out of class a little boy of about 5 years old, came up to me and "Your really good at the stuff ! you kick hard !!" . It was so adorable and SO fun to be an inspiration to a boy.

"Crazy"

I was doing some light sparring in class and as we were getting kinda tired and juiced at the same time the Sifu that was monitoring us said something like "now your getting crazy, your in that zone..go with it..". He was SO right. I have been on the brink of feeling that before and usually I pull back becasue it's a little scary feeling. It's like you feel high and really ready for action and very powerful. However,it's also a space of feelign out of control and I get a little worried about how violent I could get. It was cool to hear someone call it , name it. Name that feeling ya know? Now I know it's a place boxers are in sometimes. Probabaly alot in the actual ring. I think it's neat space to be. Probably a great place to learn control of your mind.

Gearing up for Double Threat

I just now FINALLY started back at the boxing gym. It was REALLY REALLY hard to do. It was like returning to a place of I have felt failure. It seems to be yet one of the many htigns I start and never finish. At least in this case I can;t regret all that working out I did. It's just that I really wanted to fight and I went through so much anxiety about it and stuff....

It's been well over 7 months since I have been to the school. I have not even been back since I moved back here from New York.

Anyways- I am glad I went. It felt good. A bit awkward, but good. It was announced in class today that our gym is hosting a fight on May 8th, 2010 at Rocopolco's Latin dance club and that ALL students are required to partticipate... unless you are especially excused.

Once, again- my heart started racing. The excitement and determination started flowing. WTF? I have BEEEEEN down this road before and I came very close to the conclusion that I am not made for fighting.

But part of me got caught up with the fantasy again...maybe I should just fucking do it ? Or just train like I am going to and if I get in then I get in.

So I picked up the registration form and folded it many times and placed in my pocket like a sacred secret . Over that next week, I would pull it out many times and stare at it looking for the answer. It became a daily ritual.

After that first week I gto so caught up in the actual training that I forgto to even registr on time.I think part of me was also secretly dreading it and not ready. I have signed up for fights in the past and then not gone through with it.

more to come..

Boxing on the rooftops

I just moved into a fairly raw warehouse space and there is access to a giant backyard of rooftops where I can practice boxing routines on. It's gravel covered and I can whip around up here with complete privacy and loss of all self consciousness.

The south side is a constant whizzing of cars on the freeway pass. The droning sounds are calming and energizing as I whip through kicks, punches and blocks and undercuts.

There's a gorgeous backdrop of giant billboards and hills lit up with millions of twinkly lit residential lights. One of the billboards is a light up Coca Cola sign which is mesmerizing and oddly beautiful to watch. It's private, it's dark and I love it. My belts of short heavy breathing seems to match the rhythm of the city up here. I feel very in tune doing this.

spit flied from my mouth !!

in class today spit actually flew from my mouth as I was machine gun punching the bag. i was only embarrassed for like a milli-second, 'cause it actually seemed pretty natural. seemed to fit in with the aesthetics of boxing. I kinda felt proud of this little mini natural disaster that exported itself from my mouth.

the Dinosaurs WILL get you..

at the end of class today I was told I was in a lazy zone that I need to get out of!
...because the dinosaurs WILL get me ! I felt like a robot that needed some oiling.
I was REALLy way out of it today. Super lethargic. Felt like I was fighting against an ocean of quicksand dragging me down. Ick.

bloody towel

At the end of class today, master Ruby showed us a bloody towel she saved from Andres' fight. It was waved in front of us as a symbol of what should NOT happen. She said it should be a reminder that this should not be our blood but rather that of your opponents ...next time.

I dunno-- or somethin' to that effect.

I can;t help it- I really get a kick out of all this training for violent stuff. It's serious in a way, obviously. However, I also wonder just how far I will go with it. I've always thought I was a winner in martial arts and other sports that i've played in. I have not done alot but I've been doing them on and off throughout my youth and I am aggressive and I have always had a mind set that I would NEVER lose. I don;t know where I got this from. I don't think that you would have any idea that I have such an aggressive streak from just looking at me. I am not butch or sporty looking. It deosn't even really seem to be part of personality and only comes out in martial arts, snowboarding and broom ball. However, I have never really been put to the test until possibly now and I am actually wavering on my self confidence. It's quite a balancing act. I mean you take on this idea that you are going to win and you are always ready and you convince yourself you simply won't lose and at the same time you are aware of the fact that you also have respect for your opponent and do not want to severely hurt them.

I think that once I actually get into my first competition, this balance is something that will work itself out and I will become natural like learning music rhythms that I will just learn like the back of my hand.

I dunno...crossing fingers.

'night!